Friday, June 14, 2013

Nobody said it was easy.

Facing this big life change has been challenging. 

I try to stay on top of things, positive, patient, strong. 

Deep down I believe that everything will be ok, I just have to accept that things don’t usually happen when you want them to or the way you want them to.

I feel vulnerable, emotional. I try not to cry because when the first tear comes down it’s hard to suppress the others. And since I’m already crying, let’s find all the reasons! “Oh, I’m so tired”, “I’m afraid nothing will work”, “I’m so stupid”, “I miss home”, “I feel so lonely”. And I hate it that I go down the self-pity road.

I feel self-conscious, like I should lose weight, like I’m not well dressed, like I should be speaking Dutch already! I care too much about how I’m coming across to other people. Do they think I’m good enough? Do they think I’m stupid, fat and ugly? Do they think I'm lazy?

I moved here and all I do is waiting. I don’t have a job, I don’t have my own place, I don’t have my own group of friends anymore. I feel like everything I was, I am not anymore. So exposed, so lost. I feel like I lost my value, like I am just a girlfriend and don’t have “a life”.

Many times I didn’t feel like going out and seeing people. 

I felt lazy and anxious in dealing with them.

Afraid of their judgment and tired of telling the same story and answering the same questions.

I am afraid I will always be the outsider.

Maybe this is me making drama. But they’re feelings and I am just human, I can’t really explain them. I try to forgive myself and understand that I will feel this way sometimes. It’s normal. It’s ok.

What I don’t allow myself is to sink. To hide in my bedroom and sulk. This is not who I am or who I want to be. I know this is a time for change and patience. Above all, learning.

Whenever I feel bad, I come up with my gratitude list and do something nice and kind to myself: go for a walk, watch a movie, have a glass of wine, listen to music, read a book, clean the room and light a candle, write blog posts…

I remind myself that I am strong, wise and brave. That my life is actually pretty awesome. And that I am loved and supported. And that what others think doesn’t matter. 

1 comment:

Hildeberto Mendonca said...

Be strong! And trigger the alarm in case of fire!